Broken Alice's blog: "“ἈNΆГKH"

I caught a cold; well the summer is over so it’s time to get sick again. New day new excuses same old story, next week. But tomorrow never comes, right? But then maybe… I am waiting for her letter and it’s a funny thing to experience how I make others feel most of the time and somehow I know if it was my turn it would take even more time and this “your turn” “my turn” stuff is silly anyway… but then… Then this and then that and I miss the Cafés and the feeling of my pen, so next week maybe…

by Peter Krueger (June 1998) „Do you think that time can change anything?“ „Time doesn’t change anything. People do!“ „Do you really think so?“ I thought for awhile, then looked at Leris for the first time in hours. She looked pale and tired. Aging. And I wondered whether I was right. „Are we in control?“ „In control of what?“ Leris looked at me and smiling she said: „You see?“ „I found the answer!“ Leris came running into the room with tears of joy in her eyes. Never had I seen her in such a state of utter happiness. „I found the answer! I found it! I found the answer“ „To what?“ Suddenly her smile vanished and she became silent. „Why is it our friends never call for a visit?“ „We don’t have any friends.“ Leris thought for a moment, then said reluctantly: „Well, that’s their bloody problem!“ Leris was sad. And when I asked her why she said: „Because Nippy is dead.“ „Do you still remember him?“ „Sure I do.“ „Well, he’s not dead then.“ „But I remember that he is!“ „So you’d better stop remembering.“ „Is it easier to forget or to keep in mind?“ „That depends on what you’re thinking of.“ Leris smiled: „Yes, some thoughts take more room than others.“ „What do you mean?“ And still smiling she said: „Forget it.“ „People shouldn’t hurt people!“ „But they do!“ I hesitated, then smiled, then frowned : „You win!“ Leris was reading a book: „What is a metaphor?“ „An image in language. A picture you use to illustrate something“ „Oh, I always thought it was the other way round!“ And she closed the book never to open it again. „I have written a poem!“ Leris looked at me as if feeling uncomfortable „Another one?“ „You don’t want to hear it?“ „No. I liked the first one!“ Leris woke up from a nightmare: „You...you were dead!“ „It’s all right. I’m here with you, alive and well.“ Then she started crying: „So I... I must still be afraid of losing you!“ „What’s the opposite of killing?“ I was not sure what to answer: „Giving birth I guess.“ „And killing is a crime?“ „Sure!“ „So what’s giving birth?“ Again I was not sure: „Some things have no opposite.“ Leris frowned: „So if crime has no opposite, birth is nothing really.“ „Look here! Isn’t this beautiful?“ Leris held out her open hand to me. It was empty. „I see nothing really.“ And Leris turned, then ran away in anger. „I wish I could take a look at my eyes.“ „There’s a mirror in the bathroom.“ „But that’s not my eyes.“ „Sure they are.“ Leris went to the mirror and returned trembling with fear: „Then that wasn’t me looking!“ „Can we go out?“ „Sure. Where do you want to go?“ Leris frowned: „Not go outside! I mean go out... like fire.“ I thought, then felt what she meant: „I... guess we can!“ Then she smiled: „So where do you want to go?“ Leris was sad: „I wonder if I am capable of loving.“ „Why, can’t you think of anything you love?“ „No. I can only think of things I hate!“ „See? You don’t have to worry!“

Yes yes I am working this is just a little break for coffee and a cigarette and THIS: Wierd, hm?

Days and days and days and I should do things but I don’t not I sit around and drool over lovely girls sending them friends requests without talking a word to them. HAHA! And now I get this comment: “heard of your profile from a friend, so i just stopped by” Welcome to the freak show! Ladies and Gentleman here we have the woman who collects squirrels made out of human hair, here is the guy who draws faces on his glans and there is the girl with that profile! Yes I know it wasn’t meant that way but it was the first thing on my mind. I have tons of messages and I promise I will answer them really I just need some time for that.

I try to find me somewhere between euphoria and depression while this monkey still tries to squash my head. I turn you into a demon you know while playing with something I mustn’t break yet I know I will and this makes it all shallow and bitter. Or maybe I just jump again isn’t this the special ability? I wish I could find some more hope and some more discipline but those things are not for me so I place another bet ready to lose it all and win nothing even if I win… especially if I win.

And when the dragon and the princess were too long together and become one will the prince see it? Will he be able to kill him and save her or will he just strike him not noticing she's bleeding. Will he cry when he realizes she's dead?

I am doomed; doomed to see and not be able to struggle not able to do something to say something that would make it better or at least ease the pain a bit and it's so silly and senseless to cry about precious memories being raped or beauty dragged through mud just to be thrown back again in front of scum. But is it really so senseless. If I don't cry who else will? Who will grieve for the things that get lost those that are forgotten day by day a bit more and die softly sighing… unheard. I can fell the wondering blankly glances saying that it's always been this way. Was it? Even if, it doesn't make it right. The spark in men dies you can see just open your eyes every day every minute. Still nobody seems to notice nobody seems to care. But I won't believe this was all now that we've come this far and could live an easy life we encumber oneself with dump meaningless constraints. I would love to take a gun and spread my brain all over the street where it can cause no more pain and then enqueue into the obtuse crowd march on with empty eyes. It would be more humane then sit here gagged and torn apart.

I like blogs it’s a lovely way to spit my thoughts into your faces and you can’t complain about it because it is your own choice to read this shit. So you will find here random thoughts and some stuff I wrote and actually managed to translate. If you don’t like it no need to tell me if you like it but don’t have more to say but “cool” or something like that please shut up too but if you have some real thoughts I sure would love to hear them. Alice

In the prolog to “Notre Dame de Paris” Victor Hugo describes how he found this stone while walking through Notre Dame with the word “ἈNΆГKH” in it. It’s an ancient Greek word and means something like “inescapable doom” and he wondered what lost desperate soul spent so much time up there to crave it into stone, what haunted it? And out of this wondering he wrote “Notre Dame de Paris” I think you know it better under the name “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”