If you start a sentence with "i don't mean to sound like a jerk" guess what you sound like...

. Working 7 days a week, overtime every day so sore and tired. I think I'm going to make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a back rub

I was going to go as you for Halloween, but it turns out I can't fit 7 Dicks in my mouth at the same time.

What do you get when you insert human DNA into a goat? banned from the petty zoo apparently

The worst thing a man can hear "guess what today is?"

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin slices of roast beef.

I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night .... He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled "fuck me" .... What I saw next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not use that bathroom

There should be an energy drink called "6 am child"

The fact that there is a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven tells a lot about the anticipated traffic numbers

If tomorrow is hump day, does that make today "foreplay" day?

As I slowly slipped my finger inside her hole I immediately felt hitgetting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.... It was then I thought to myself "i really need to get a new boat"

If you don't want people asking you for rides, say yes the first timethen just don't show up .

I carry around a jar with a cricket in it for awkward silences.

Not for nothing but, I can't wait for gay divorce court..... It's going to be priceless!

I'm going to open a restaurant called "peace and quiet" where kids meals will be $150 and up.

Apparently in Detroit, somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Somebody needs to help that fucking guy.

I was doing this gal from behind when she farted... I just smacked that ass and said "shhhhh little fella, you're next"

While masturbation is a touchy subject, oral sex is a matter of taste.

My favorite yoga pose is "upward facing couch potato"